'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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