my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
