Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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