thus making me awesome and them whores
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
