I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
