those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The feeling are messing with the penis
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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