Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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