there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road