someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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