Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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