Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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