we have pet lesbian snakes
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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