I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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