Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
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Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
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So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?