She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his