Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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