Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We have started to decorate penises.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
