I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
