It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
