I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
