Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
This is the prime rib incident all over again
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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