he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize