sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
