Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
