I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
