i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
