So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
