My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
