you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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