She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
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He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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