Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
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I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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