I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
