i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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