A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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