i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
