I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
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don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
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We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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