ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
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we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
last night I used snow as a chaser
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."