You don't have asthma, your pregnant
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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