If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
