I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
