Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
