My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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