Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
