forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
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She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
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how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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