Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
