Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
