I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
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I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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