i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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