i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
