exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
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i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
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Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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