She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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