hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
