I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
