Please, let me fuck your mom
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
