Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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