does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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