matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
