Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
