My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Randomize
